Stereotyping -- Did you say one size fits all?

Although many of us consider ourselves to be open-minded and free thinking, the truth is that most of us unknowingly rely on stereotyping as a way of navigating our social interactions. We look and see each other through our invisible, inherited STGs -- stereotyped-tinted glasses -- which means that often we're either looking through a glass darkly, or at the sun brightly shining. Whichever it may be - whether we’re looking down at others or up at them, our stereotyped tinted glasses serve to blend people together into masses. And rather than allowing us to see each others as individuals, standing out in our uniqueness, through our STDs we see each other as indistinctly fitting in with many others.

How does this work? Actually, stereotyping is a ‘classification’ process that seems to happen automatically. Just as we sort our socks from our shirts in order to organize our drawers, stereotyping allows us to organize people. We look for the tell-tale signs of ‘type’ or ‘grouping’ because once we’ve categorized people, we’re better able to predict how they’ll behave. And that’s important because then we know how we should behave with them. All said, stereotyping makes the job of social-interaction easier. Rather than reinventing the wheel each time we meet a new person, we rely on our – or others’ – past experiences with people who seem like this new person. By seeing this person as a ‘typical liberal’, that person as a pushy New Yawkuh, her as a ‘social butterfly’ and him as a ‘type A,’ we have a sense of where our conversations with these people can go. We’ll talk to the liberal about social justice or women’s rights and we’ll talk to the New Yorker about Bear Stearns or Spitzer’s undoing. It may be amusing to catch up with the social butterfly about who’s doing what and where the parties are, and as for the Type A, we assume that they’ll be happiest if we get into a conversation about their work!

Let’s briefly consider where our stereotypes come from. Often our stereotypes are based on image -- how a person dresses, how they wear their hair and are generally groomed. My father wore bow ties long after they had gone out of fashion – and yes, he was conservative. My neighbor wears long skirts – not because she’s overweight and wants to hide her legs, but because her skirts are a statement about the alternative lifestyle that she espouses. My male college friend had hair down to his waist. He was a musician and the messages his hair sent – besides that he liked long hair -- were “Yes, I’m different than you,” and “It’s ok for men to have long hair too.” So now we see the plot getting thicker -- not only do we stereotype others, but we actually stereotype ourselves. The way we choose to present ourselves to others is our way of typecasting who we are. And naturally, we expect that others will interpret how we’ve put ourselves together in the same way that we meant for them to interpret it. That’s not always how it works, of course, but that’s the general gist of why we choose what we choose.

But not all stereotypes are based on image. Many stereotypes are based on behavior – and communication is a common behavior that we stereotype. Personal communication styles reflect a host of factors -- educational background, income, nationality, ethnicity, personality, and learning strengths and weaknesses. We speak of the pushy New Yawkuh with their fast speech rate and of the lazy Southerner, with their slow drawl. Egoists like to talk about themselves and make poor listeners generally, while those of use in the ‘helping professions’ – counselors, therapists, psychiatrists etc. – tend to be good listeners. Communicators who are less aggressive may be considered to be ‘nicer’ than those who ram through us, and communicators who hardly say a word are often pegged as shy. When we notice someone using a lot of gesture while they talk, we may assume that they’re emotional – and if they have dark eyes and hair and talk with their hands a lot, we might assume that they’re Italian. I know a few women who happened to have gone to Yale for college. And I noticed that these women were similar in being verbally resourceful -- well spoken, detail-oriented, persistent, and convincing. One of them was able to get a restaurant whose policy is “We provide all birthday cakes” to accept the birthday cake she had brought in for her son’s birthday party. The other got her insurance company to pay for her son’s speech therapy despite the fact that they had twice rejected the claims. The third was able to get a resort to reduce their rate for her extended-family vacation. Seeing these women in action led me to my own ‘female Yale grads” stereotype -- women who get what they want through their verbal savvy.

Are our stereotypes fair? Are we always right? Absolutely not! Someone who speaks with a Southern drawl is likely to be neither slow thinking nor slow moving, and the pedantic, highly educated professor is not necessarily smart. Gardner brought to our understanding that we have varying intelligences. There’s no one way that is best for us all, nor one way that’s better than others. Yes, someone who is skilled in drawing and weaker in language may have an aptitude for work in the arts rather than in sales, but there are no hard and fast rules that apply across the board.

And of course, stereotypes can and do hurt. They hurt personally and they hurt society generally. If you see me as a greedy Jew, and speak to me with shallowness and arrogance about the things only money can buy, you’ll miss my boat entirely, as I really would have nothing on that topic to converse with you about. And not only would we be ships passing in the night, but you’d be sinking the submarine for Jews everywhere – dooming them to an invisible and yet divisive stereotype that derives from nothing more than religious hostility. We know the outcome of labeling -- whether it's a child who grows up believing they're stupid because they were repeatedly told that by a parent, or a race of people who, generation after generation, work tirelessly to cope with the unjust burdens they've inherited.

How to make things better? Certainly the fist step is self- awareness -- awareness of our prejudices, our assumptions and our stereotyping tendencies. And we need to keep in mind our goal – to look at each other as, and into each others’ eyes to see -- the unique people we each are. Our interactions then will take on an integrity and authenticity that goes beyond ‘business as usual,’ veering instead toward heart-centered and deeply personal interactions. Above and beyond all else, our gift of communication is best used as a tool for finding shared ground – not between you and them, but between you and me.

Communication When You're Down Under!

If you saw me today, holed up in my room and wanting to talk to no one, you’d never know that I’m actually someone who is entranced with communication. I’m also feeling guilty about not having blogged for a couple of weeks, and I especially wanted to post a Valentine’s blog, but ended up feeling so not-well that it was beyond me. I won’t put you through a belated Valentine’s blog – as in, yesterday I loved you, but today it’s another story. In staying authentic to myself at this moment in time and space, I’ll post about communicating when you’re less than your chipper self. Maybe it’ll help to make you just a little more understanding of why sometimes others may be communicating the way they are.

Since I’m in the throes, I can spell it all out. My discomfort is short-circuiting my communications, so that when I speak, I’m brief and not always sweet, reducing my utterances to their barest elements, and caught up with saying whatever I have to say and not inclined to listen. I warn my communicative partners that I’m not feeling well and that I’m cranky. If they’re adept listeners, they’ll understand that that means there’ll be a difference in our communications. My brain’s foggy, so I’m searching for names and dates and words. I even notice that I’m holding my breath, so that instead of sending ovygen into my body and mind, I’m strangling myself, adding fuel to fire. As I’m typing, I’m busily correcting way too many misspellings along the way. I can muster the energy to sound slightly affable when someone calls on the phone, but when we hang up, I get to work criticizing and judging and then, realizing the downhill roll of this not-feeling-well snowball, catch myself. Knowing better, I accept and at the same time realize the absurdity of my negativity, then effortfully muster some sunny thoughts to lighten the dark clouds. I’d like to take the time to watch some humorous movies, as Norman Cousins did, afterwards showing the world that we can heal ourselves with how we think. I know our self-talk holds power. And that means that just as I’m talking less to you, my less than happy self-talk has taken over instead, and I had best cap that quickly!

The day’s young. If I’m going to feel better I need to steer my thoughts for smoother sailing. I’m noticing that when I take a deep breath, it helps me feel more open, patient and not as uncomfortable, and hopeful that I’ll feel more like being a part rather than disinterested in what’s going on around me. Actually, I’m needing to check up on my son and see how he’s doing. When he awoke this morning he was irritable -- complaining of the work at school, complaining about waking up early, complaining about our puppy… and complaining about a sore throat.

So you're running for President?

The hottest topic in communication right now has to do with the candidates’ communications – what they say, who they say it to, and how they say it -- their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their gestures, their emotions; how people have interpreted what they’ve said; who’s liked…or hasn’t liked…what they’ve said, what they should – and shouldn’t -- have said, whether what they’re saying now jives with what they’ve said in the past, whether they really mean what they say or if it’s a pretense, and if so, then what’s their underlying intent and did they achieve that intent. Then there’s attention too to what their staff and associates have said and how they’ve said it and whether what they’ve said has helped -- or hurt -- their candidate. Assessing the impact of all of these communications that they, their staff, their associates, their supporters, the other candidates and their staff and associates and supporters have had then leads each of the candidates and their staff to think long and hard about how to improve their future communications, with the obvious desire of convincing us to vote for them. Which is to say that the candidate who is elected President of the United States of America by the public vote (and we all know that the person who receives the public vote is not necessarily the person who becomes President of the United States), may be the one who is the best communicator.

You -- like me – may not have run for president of anything for a long time. Nonetheless, if we think about our communications, the same analysis and rippling effects hold true as are evidenced for the Presidential candidates. What we say, who we say it to, and how we say it – our tone of voice, our facial expressions, our gestures, our emotions; how people interpret what we say, who’s liked – or hasn’t liked — what we’ve said, what we should – and shouldn’t – have said, whether what we’re saying now jives with what we’ve said before, whether we really meant what we said or if it was protocol or a pretense, and if so, then what was our underlying intent and did we achieve that intent – all of these are a part of the communication
mix!

Our communications have far reaching consequences! By being aware of that fact, we can't help but realize that we all need to try harder to say what we mean to say and to the person we're speaking to, and in a way that achieves the results we’d prefer.

Better Business Communication Day

January 28th is Better Business Communication Day, an opportunity for professionals in any and all industries to think about how they communicate, and how they can improve their communication skills. In case you need some help, consider the following tips:

1. Listening skills: Effective listening isn't done only with our ears, but involves our eyes, our ears, and our hearts. To listen to the ‘whole message' that someone sends means taking into consideration the intent of their message. To do that, we need to consider the larger context, and gain understanding not just from the words, but from the speaker's body language, their cultural and educational background, and their tone of voice. Our awareness of our personal prejudices, feelings, and expectations about the messages we hear and the people who give those messages will help us become more objective and empathic listeners.

2. Voice skills: Our voices can draw others to us or turn them off. A pleasant voice is clear, has varying intonation, and projects as needed. Our emotions are communicated in our voices, often unconsciously, and by our being aware of the emotional tone of our voice, we can realize the impact that our voice is having on our listeners. Professionals who use their voices constantly through out the day are at risk for vocal fatigue. Specific strategies for troubleshooting -- such as, drinking lots of water, using a microphone -- can go far towards alleviating that condition.

3. Speech skills: How well we are able to pronounce our 's, r, l's and other sounds, and sequence these sounds into words will obviously impact how easily we're understood! Speech skills require an ease and fluency in coordinating the movements of our lips, tongue, teeth, jaw, and of the velum at the back of the throat. We are constantly -- and for most of us, automatically -- integrating our speech with our breathing and swallowing too, so that we don’t sound breathy at the end of a sentence or slushy and slurpy.

4. Body Language: Albert Mehrabian, a UCLA psychology professor in the 1960’s, determined that we communicate 55% of our message with body language, 38% with our voice, and only 7% with our words! By maintaining eye contact with our communicative partner, standing close enough to hear comfortably but far enough away to not crowd them (about an arm’s distance), and realizing that our facial expression and gestures actively enhance our message, we can improve our total communication package!

5. Verbal competence: Our ability to convey our messages succinctly is made possible by our use of precise vocabulary and appropriate grammar. Speaking at a slow, comfortable speech rate, and pausing between phrases and sentences can help us have the time to organize our thoughts so that we say what we mean and mean what we say.

6. Social savvy: Most of us find that some people are easier to speak to than others, and similarly, there are some people we enjoy listening to more than others. And typically, most of us are most comfortable with others who are like us – in cultural backgrounds, styles, educational levels etc. But, it doesn’t have to be that way, and by being open and by learning about other people’s cultures, we can ease our way into unfamiliar communicative territory. Choosing neutral topics of conversation and steering away from controversial and emotional ones (like politics!) usually allows us to converse with others who have experiences and outlooks that may be very different than our own. Each communicative interaction is an opportunity – for learning about others, as well as about ourselves!

7. Negotiating: Business Communication is all about negotiating, right? That give and take and continual reach across differences to find a shared space. By being knowledgeable about a topic, by remaining inquisitive, by having a positive attitude, and by feeling confident enough to voice but not insist upon our opinions, we put our best foot forward in negotiations. With a dedication to being aware of our partner’s as well as our own needs and wants, we can work towards deriving a ‘win win’ situation for all involved.

Communication-Wise New Year’s Resolutions

In thinking of the New Year, and of how my communication skills can improve with
intention, I’ve come up with just a few ‘communication resolutions’ that should keep me busy at least until January 1, 2009. These resolutions are:

1. To listen with my whole person.

I once read about someone who was described as ‘listening as if his life depended on it.’ When I read those words, I realized that this description epitomizes what is meant by being a great listener. My resolution to listen with my whole person will mean that I need to quell my internal chatter when I’m engaged with others, and will also mean ‘no more clicking or reading’ while I speak on the phone at my computer desk. Hopefully, I’ll gradually find myself less often asking, ‘What did you say?’ or ‘Did you mean that…?’

2. To speak with honesty.

If my goal is to speak with absolute integrity, one thing I’ll need to do is avoid making plausible excuses that aren’t truthful. In addition, owning up to feelings that may be impacting my behavior – verbal or nonverbal -- is a part of this resolve.

3. To give others’ the freedom -- and allow myself that same freedom -- to express thoughts and feelings.

This resolve addresses the mindset that enables real communication to occur at its deepest level. By realizing that both communicative partners have legitimate needs and emotions that underlie what they express can help each of us to respect each other, even in ‘sticky’ situations. By opting for empathic communication, I’ll need to work to quell my impulse to defend my point of view and to feed my ego.

4. To strive to make each communicative interaction a ‘win-win’ situation.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Non Violent Communication (www.cnvc.org; http://nvctraining.com), teaches a compassionate communication process that enables all communicative partners simultaneously.

During the coming year, by taking more courses in Nonviolent Communication, I plan on developing my ability to use this process that allows all partners in communicative exchanges to feel validated. It’s by having our needs recognized -- without criticism or judgment -- that all of us can feel that we have ‘won’ in our negotiations, no matter how challenging these may be. There is great power in this dynamic, vitality, heart and supportiveness in this communication process.

5. To strengthen my self-talk to be more consistently positive and edifying.

Prosperity consciousness posits that we are all magnetic energy forces, drawing to us that which is in tune with our unique thinking. Accordingly, the way to become prosperous is to believe wholeheartedly that we are in fact already prosperous. If we can see, feel, taste, smell and hear as someone who enjoys prosperity, we will bring that prosperity that we experience with our perceptions into our lives.

Although we all encounter challenging situations, our ‘reframing’ these and recognizing them as opportunities for growth and learning will enable us to appreciate their positive rather than their negative aspects. If we are what we eat, by continually feasting upon a diet of positives – in our words, our thoughts and our actions, we can’t help but bring prosperity and success into our lives.

Communication: Abundant Possibilities

My first blog. I'm finally posting, having gotten the impetus from a recent teleconference hosted by Joan Stewart, the Publicity Hound, with guests Tom Antion, public speaking and internet marketing guru, and Adam Witty, publisher. It was an energizing teleconference with great information, and there was one comment during that hour that especially hit home for me. Tom was asked how to guard against ebook theft, and the gist of his responsive advice was "tune in to abundance" rather than fear.  I had some fear about blogging -- not that my pearls of wisdom would be stolen, but fear of whether what I would say would find readers who wanted to 'listen.' I took Tom's advice to heart, and decided to tune into the abundance of it all, to feel confident that there would be others eager to explore at least some of the communication-related topics that I myself take interest in.

Thinking of abundance and how it relates to communication... The images I get are of communicating with an open mind.  outstretched arm, engaging eyes and  a heart that is willing.  I can't count the numbers of communicative interactions I've had throughout my life, the numbers of people I've communicated with, the numbers of words I've used, the numbers of sentence structures, and grammatical forms,  of topics I've discussed,  of reasons I've communicated,  of times I've listened, spoken, read, written,  joked, frowned, smiled, sparked or twinkled my eyes when sharing with another person, working through and playing with communication at a meeting, over dinner, on the phone, at the beach.... That's abundance!  Abundant too are the opportunities  for communicating well --  saying what we want and mean to say, knowing when to say it, knowing how to say it so that we maintain our own and simultaneously respect others' integrity, realizing our unique potentials as people with this awesome capability to communicate.

Communication is a gift that most of us take for granted, though not those people who realize the  challenges it presents --- challenges in producing the speech sounds,  in giving voice to thoughts, in formulating and expressing ideas and thoughts and feelings, in hearing, in authentic listening and understanding, in integrating body language and facial expression with words and tone, in being engaged and giving and taking with another person who is equally or more or less engaged than we, in being aware of how our culture and others' play sometimes subtle but always significant roles in the mix of our finding community. 

It will be fun to follow the meanderings of this communication-dedicated blog.  l'll explore different aspects of communication, and hope that some of these snippets of abundance will find their way to and resonate with you. I'm happy to have you along for the ride, and welcome your comments and questions.