Stereotyping -- Did you say one size fits all?

Although many of us consider ourselves to be open-minded and free thinking, the truth is that most of us unknowingly rely on stereotyping as a way of navigating our social interactions. We look and see each other through our invisible, inherited STGs -- stereotyped-tinted glasses -- which means that often we're either looking through a glass darkly, or at the sun brightly shining. Whichever it may be - whether we’re looking down at others or up at them, our stereotyped tinted glasses serve to blend people together into masses. And rather than allowing us to see each others as individuals, standing out in our uniqueness, through our STDs we see each other as indistinctly fitting in with many others.

How does this work? Actually, stereotyping is a ‘classification’ process that seems to happen automatically. Just as we sort our socks from our shirts in order to organize our drawers, stereotyping allows us to organize people. We look for the tell-tale signs of ‘type’ or ‘grouping’ because once we’ve categorized people, we’re better able to predict how they’ll behave. And that’s important because then we know how we should behave with them. All said, stereotyping makes the job of social-interaction easier. Rather than reinventing the wheel each time we meet a new person, we rely on our – or others’ – past experiences with people who seem like this new person. By seeing this person as a ‘typical liberal’, that person as a pushy New Yawkuh, her as a ‘social butterfly’ and him as a ‘type A,’ we have a sense of where our conversations with these people can go. We’ll talk to the liberal about social justice or women’s rights and we’ll talk to the New Yorker about Bear Stearns or Spitzer’s undoing. It may be amusing to catch up with the social butterfly about who’s doing what and where the parties are, and as for the Type A, we assume that they’ll be happiest if we get into a conversation about their work!

Let’s briefly consider where our stereotypes come from. Often our stereotypes are based on image -- how a person dresses, how they wear their hair and are generally groomed. My father wore bow ties long after they had gone out of fashion – and yes, he was conservative. My neighbor wears long skirts – not because she’s overweight and wants to hide her legs, but because her skirts are a statement about the alternative lifestyle that she espouses. My male college friend had hair down to his waist. He was a musician and the messages his hair sent – besides that he liked long hair -- were “Yes, I’m different than you,” and “It’s ok for men to have long hair too.” So now we see the plot getting thicker -- not only do we stereotype others, but we actually stereotype ourselves. The way we choose to present ourselves to others is our way of typecasting who we are. And naturally, we expect that others will interpret how we’ve put ourselves together in the same way that we meant for them to interpret it. That’s not always how it works, of course, but that’s the general gist of why we choose what we choose.

But not all stereotypes are based on image. Many stereotypes are based on behavior – and communication is a common behavior that we stereotype. Personal communication styles reflect a host of factors -- educational background, income, nationality, ethnicity, personality, and learning strengths and weaknesses. We speak of the pushy New Yawkuh with their fast speech rate and of the lazy Southerner, with their slow drawl. Egoists like to talk about themselves and make poor listeners generally, while those of use in the ‘helping professions’ – counselors, therapists, psychiatrists etc. – tend to be good listeners. Communicators who are less aggressive may be considered to be ‘nicer’ than those who ram through us, and communicators who hardly say a word are often pegged as shy. When we notice someone using a lot of gesture while they talk, we may assume that they’re emotional – and if they have dark eyes and hair and talk with their hands a lot, we might assume that they’re Italian. I know a few women who happened to have gone to Yale for college. And I noticed that these women were similar in being verbally resourceful -- well spoken, detail-oriented, persistent, and convincing. One of them was able to get a restaurant whose policy is “We provide all birthday cakes” to accept the birthday cake she had brought in for her son’s birthday party. The other got her insurance company to pay for her son’s speech therapy despite the fact that they had twice rejected the claims. The third was able to get a resort to reduce their rate for her extended-family vacation. Seeing these women in action led me to my own ‘female Yale grads” stereotype -- women who get what they want through their verbal savvy.

Are our stereotypes fair? Are we always right? Absolutely not! Someone who speaks with a Southern drawl is likely to be neither slow thinking nor slow moving, and the pedantic, highly educated professor is not necessarily smart. Gardner brought to our understanding that we have varying intelligences. There’s no one way that is best for us all, nor one way that’s better than others. Yes, someone who is skilled in drawing and weaker in language may have an aptitude for work in the arts rather than in sales, but there are no hard and fast rules that apply across the board.

And of course, stereotypes can and do hurt. They hurt personally and they hurt society generally. If you see me as a greedy Jew, and speak to me with shallowness and arrogance about the things only money can buy, you’ll miss my boat entirely, as I really would have nothing on that topic to converse with you about. And not only would we be ships passing in the night, but you’d be sinking the submarine for Jews everywhere – dooming them to an invisible and yet divisive stereotype that derives from nothing more than religious hostility. We know the outcome of labeling -- whether it's a child who grows up believing they're stupid because they were repeatedly told that by a parent, or a race of people who, generation after generation, work tirelessly to cope with the unjust burdens they've inherited.

How to make things better? Certainly the fist step is self- awareness -- awareness of our prejudices, our assumptions and our stereotyping tendencies. And we need to keep in mind our goal – to look at each other as, and into each others’ eyes to see -- the unique people we each are. Our interactions then will take on an integrity and authenticity that goes beyond ‘business as usual,’ veering instead toward heart-centered and deeply personal interactions. Above and beyond all else, our gift of communication is best used as a tool for finding shared ground – not between you and them, but between you and me.